Human Nacho Spa Treatment/Transcript

Link: Today Rhett's turning me into a human nacho platter.

Rhett: Let's talk about that.

[Intro plays]

Rhett: Good mythical morning.

Link: Mythical beasts, you may have already noticed that just to my left there is a brand new spankin' mug. Well, it's not, it's just a brand spankin' new mug. It doesn't spank anyone.

Rhett: Well, you could if you wanted to.

Link: It's the Boiled for Safety Mug, which you can get at rhettandlink.com/store.

Rhett: Look at that.

Link: It is an animal. [Close up of the mug; Link taps his fingers on the side of it] That's not how you say that word. It's not an animal. [Crew laughs] It's enamel.

Rhett: Enamel.

Link: It's an en-animal.

Rhett: I thought that was a joke. [Link laughs] It's enanimal. It's not made from animals. It is just enamel.

Link: No. And you can boil things for safety in there, or you can just drink liquids from it and feel like you're camping even when you're not.

Rhett: Hey, Link, show 'em the special feature.

Link: The Boiled For Safety Mug. [Drinks from mug]

Rhett: Show 'em the... Did you see that?

Link: What? What, I was just drinking.

Rhett: Show 'em the special feature again. [Link drinks again]

Link: What?

Rhett: Oh, my!

Link: What?

Rhett: Just one more time, just so they don't miss it. Wait, there's a logo.

Link: Yeah, look at that. A limited time, guys.

Rhett: Nice mug.

Link: Get on that, rhettandlink.com/store. We got a T-shirt version of this too if you wanna wear it.

Rhett: Okay, we asked you, "What's the best way to eat nachos?" And Dominique Picard said, "Fully loaded." And Eric Wilsey said, "Naked." Well, you're both right.

[Transition]

Rhett: Okay, so this is as naked as we're willing to let Link get.

Link: Yeah.

Rhett: And he is the one who is going to be fully loaded. So Link, first of all, can you explain... You got into the sun recently I see.

Link: I might have a tan line here, here.

Rhett: Show them the back of the neck.

Link: Yeah.

Rhett: That's the part that really you didn't pay attention.

Link: Well, I was wearing a T-shirt in the sun for a long time.

Rhett: Okay, so, go 'head and lay down. No, step one is...

Link: Nothing a little nachos won't solve.

Rhett: Asking the participant if they are willing to do this. Are you willing to have nachos applied to your body?

Link: Oh, yeah. [Crew laughs]

Rhett: Okay. Lay down. [Link lays down] So this is like those sushi girls at the fancy sushi places that I've never been to. This is as close as we're going to get.

Link: Okay.

Rhett: Step one. After finding out if they're willing, is you have to create a nice nacho cheese base. Now, this isn't typical but this is so we can have all the other ingredients stick to his body.

Link: Oh, you're startin' down there, huh?

[Rhett pours nacho cheese on Link's legs]

Link: Oh, it's hot! [Rock music plays] Just kidding, it's not that hot. [Crew laughs] It is a little warm. Woo, that's nice.

[Rhett pours cheese on Link's abdomen]

Link: Woo! This is like a spa treatment. I might take a nap.

[Rhett pours cheese on Link's arms]

Link: Oh, yeah. [Crew laughs] I'm a little concerned about the face.

Rhett: Go 'head and lay your head dead.

Link: Make my head dead?

Rhett: Go 'head and lay your head down.

[Rock music plays as Rhett pours cheese on Link's face. Crew laughs]

Link: Wow, that was quite an experience.

Rhett: You look great. Alright now Link, now I'm gonna make it rain.

[Rhett scatters chips on Link]

Link: Make it rain, Rhett. Chip me!

[Rhett pours chips on Link starting at his legs]

Link: Woo, that's kinda sharp.[Laughs]

[Energetic music plays]

Rhett: Okay. That's pretty good placement.

Link: Oh, yeah, that nacho cheese tastes good.

Rhett: Okay, now that we've got a nice layer of chips and cheese. I like to place my ingredients in different places because not everybody likes the same stuff. So, you wanna designate different parts of the body for different ingredients. I'm gonna start with refried beans. I call this the bean belly.

[Rhett pours refried beans on Link as energetic rock music plays]

Link: Oh. That felt funny.

[Crew laughs]

Link: Just dumped a bunch of beans on me. Woo, they're warm too.

Rhett: It's kinda like a bean belt.

Link: Oh, yeah.

Rhett: [Tastes beans] It's beans.

Link: That's nice.

Rhett: Okay.

Link: This is just like I dreamed it would be.

Rhett: It wouldn't be nachos without meat. I've got some highest class meat we could find. Taco beef filling in a can. We're gonna beef up your arms. I'm gonna put these right on your biceps. Beefy arms.

[Rock music plays as Rhett pours beef on Link's arms]

Link: Yeah.

Rhett: Yeah, nice beef.

Link: A beef-cep.

Rhett: Beefy bicep. I'm doing one on this side as well. Although you can't really see it, just know there's beef on this side as well. And now, of course, we've thought of everybody. Some people don't eat beef. [Laughs] And for them we have taco flavored vegetarian meat substitute.

Link: That sounds not tasty.

Rhett: Woohoo.

Link: Beef substitute?

Rhett: This is gonna be in the knee area, I call these vegan-knees.

Link: I'm going veganese.

[Rock music plays as Rhett pours meat substitute on Link's knees. Crew laughs]

(crew laughs)

Rhett: We'll see if we can get that to balance.

Link: It feels like potting soil. What is it?

Rhett: [Tastes the meat substitute] It's not half bad.

Link: Can I taste some?

Rhett: You can taste anything on your body you want.

[Crew laughs]

Link: That's weird.

Rhett: Now, not everybody likes pico de gallo. Link, for example, doesn't like it. [Laughs] So, we're gonna put it in one place. This is pico de goozle.

[Link yells as Rhett pours pico de gallo on his neck. Crew laughs]

Link: Oh! That was cold! I've got a neck pillow of pico de gallo on me now.

Rhett: Now, this is one of my favorite ingredients on nachos: Sour cream. And I see two spots for this. Your nipples. This one right here I call, sour nipple [Dollops sour cream on Link's left nipple] and this one I call, creamy nipple. [Dollops sour cream on Link's right nipple]

Link: Woo, that's frigid on my nipples. Woo-wee!

Rhett: And now, I know you like this, Link, guacamole. You a fan of guacamole?

Link: Oh, yeah.

Rhett: How 'bout, face-a-mole?

[Rock music plays as Rhett pours guacamole on Link's face. Crew groans in disgust]

Link: [Gargling] Ah. Oh, that's cold too.

Rhett: [Laughs] The top down shot. You look like Bozo. The way it's positioned perfectly on each side of your face. That is a beautiful thing. Things are gonna get a little bit spicy.

Link: Uh-oh.

Rhett: I got jalapenos. Some people call this hot crotch but in the south we call it jala-penis.

[Crew laughs. Rock music plays as Rhett pours jalapenos onto Link's crotch. Link yells]

Link: Woo, that's cold too! Oh, my penis.

[Crew laughs]

Link: Ah. [Laughs]

Rhett: I'm gonna lightly dust some cilantro on you. I call this the cilan-throw.

Link: I don't know where I am anymore. Am I ever gonna get out of this? Tastes like soap.

[Rhett throws cilantro on Link]

Link: Doesn't taste good at all.

Rhett: Okay, now let me see where I'm gonna grab a chip from to test this out.

Link: What are you testing at this point?

Rhett: The taste.

[Laughs] Oh, it's gon' taste good off my belly. Off my arms. Off my face.

Rhett: Gotta get a little guac.

Link: Off my crotch.

[Rhett eats chip]

Link: Oh. You didn't ask me if I had any open wounds before you started this.

Rhett: Do you have any open wounds?

Link: I got a little nick on my finger.

Rhett: You know what? That's really good but I'm gonna need some help eating this. You guys come on in. Grab a chip.

[Crew and Shepherd enters and grabs chips]

Rhett: Link.

Eddie: I'm goin' in up here.

Rhett: Would you like me to feed you?

Link: Yeah.

Rhett: Welcome, Shepherd. [Crew laughs] He likes nachos, he said he wanted to be a part of this. I said, "Well, you wanna eat 'em off of Link's body?" [Laughs]

Link: Somebody feed me a chip.

Rhett: What have you learned, Shepherd?

Shepherd: That it's good to eat nachos off of people.

Rhett: That's right.

Link: That's the moral.

Rhett: These are the lessons that we teach in the McLaughlin family. It's good to eat nachos off of people. Here's some guac.

Shepherd: But don't touch the skin.

Rhett: But don't touch the skin. That might be a problem. Thanks for liking commenting and subscribing.

Link: You know what time it is.

[Cuts to video]

Ferie: Hi, Ferie and I'm from Senegal and it's time to spin the Wheel of Mythicality.

[Cuts back to studio]

Rhett: Unfortunately Link was not boiled for safety before we started eating nachos off of him because that would've killed him but thankfully our Boiled For Safety Mug is and it's available for a limited time at rhettandlink.com/store.

Link: Click through to Good Mythical More where people are gonna eat all of this food off of me so I can get up.

Rhett: 10 Second Tour. This is when you send us a 10 second tour of your hometown with #10SecondTour. Here's one right now.

[Cuts to video]

Nick: Welcome to Kenosha, Wisconsin where we have Uncle Mike's, Captain Mike's, Mike's Donuts and Chicken, and Frank's Diner.

[Cuts back to studio]

Rhett: Thanks, Nick for being your mythical best and post your 10 second tour with #10SecondTour.

[Cut to voice-over]

Link: Click on the left to watch our show after the show, Good Mythical More.

Rhett: Click on the right to watch another episode of Good Mythical Morning.

Link: And makes sure to check out our new channel, This Is Mythical, by clicking the video at the bottom.

Rhett: Thanks for being your mythical best.